The start - Understanding Trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD
My first marriage took place when I was 24. I was in such a rush to get started on the adult life I thought I so desperately needed. I pushed for the engagement and didn’t create a fair situation for my boyfriend at the time to be able to say “hey, do you think we really should do the whole marriage thing?”
After getting married I was left with this sinking feeling of “what now?” I’d just checked this massive life box and had never felt more empty, overwhelmed, and undone than when we got home and back to normal life.
I decided to explore why I felt so terrible in a time when I should be rejoicing. This was my first entry into therapy, and began to open the many doors I’d kept closed my whole life and the long process of unpacking my childhood trauma.
But before we get too far into all of that, let's align on what trauma is.
Trauma is a multifaceted and deeply distressing experience that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, leaving lasting emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical scars.
It can result from a wide range of events, including accidents, natural disasters, violence, chronic abuse, and neglect. It can be one event or many events during one time or over a lot of time.
Trauma disrupts one's sense of safety and security, imprinting a profound impact on the way the brain processes information and emotions. The effects of trauma often extend beyond the initial event, manifesting in a range of symptoms such as anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and difficulties forming and maintaining relationships.
Importantly, trauma is a subjective experience, and what may be traumatic for one person might not be for another. Understanding and addressing trauma involves acknowledging its complex nature and providing compassionate support for individuals on their journey toward healing and resilience.
It was with my first therapist who told me I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). “I’ve never been to war”, I thought. But that was not accurate. I’d never been to war the way we think of war, but my entire childhood was in a house that could have been classified as a warzone.
This came to light after I shared multiple stories about my childhood and the domestic violence I witnessed, experienced and survived.
I am what they call “high functioning”. I have always held jobs and excelled at them. I have long-standing relationships and have goals and ambitions. But along with those positives came hyper-vigilance, people pleasing a solid case of codependency, hyper-independence of “I don’t need anyone" and a consistent numbness to how I interacted with the world.
As I’ve explored myself further and have a much better understanding of what this all means. She wasn’t wrong when she told me I have PTSD, but she also wasn’t correct. First lets, look at what PTSD is by definition.
PTSD is a specific form of trauma response characterized by persistent and distressing symptoms that develop after exposure to a traumatic event. Symptoms can include intrusive memories, flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbness, and heightened arousal. Individuals with PTSD may experience significant impairment in daily functioning and a heightened state of vigilance as they grapple with the aftermath of trauma.
My first therapist and I did great work during the 3 years I worked with her but couldn’t have known what was waiting for me 20 years in the future.
I’ll speak to the catalyst of what put me back in therapy and the most transformative years of my life in another blog post but, I do want to call out that in my search for the right therapist, I came to realize I don’t have PTSD I have C-PTSD (C=Complex)
CPTSD, often associated with prolonged or repeated trauma, extends beyond the symptoms of PTSD. It encompasses difficulties with emotional regulation, distorted self-perception, and challenges in forming and maintaining relationships. CPTSD is often linked to prolonged exposure to interpersonal trauma, such as childhood abuse or neglect, and can result in a pervasive impact on an individual's identity and sense of safety.
Now why is this important to call out? PTSD is often one event or separate events. CPTSD is long-standing over an extensive amount of time.
I believe this is one of the most undiagnosed conditions leaving people to suffer in a state of unawareness and emotional flashbacks thinking it’s due to present-day issues.
How do these show up in life: It showed in for me as dissociation, and later as emotional disregulation and anxiety. Other symptoms include depression, difficulty trusting others and forming relationships. I probably have those two but you know, baby steps. :)
Here are a few ways to begin to help regulate your nervous system if you notice any of the above symptoms.
Therapeutic Interventions:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): A widely used therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): A specialized therapy targeting traumatic memories to alleviate distressing symptoms.
Mindfulness and Yoga:
Practices such as mindfulness meditation and yoga can help individuals reconnect with their bodies and alleviate symptoms of hyperarousal and dissociation.
Supportive Communities:
Engaging with support groups and communities where individuals share their experiences can foster a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation.
Medication:
In some cases, psychiatric medications may be prescribed to alleviate symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or sleep disturbances. See a physician for advice.
Self-Care and Self-Compassion:
Prioritizing self-care and cultivating self-compassion are essential components of the healing journey. This may involve setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-compassionate self-talk, and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation.
Here is what I want to leave you with in this post. Trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD are intricate aspects of the human experience that demand compassion, understanding, and comprehensive support.
I would never have had the awareness or the tools to do my own work without a trained professional. I feel so fortunate to have found an amazing therapist to help guide, reparents, introduce somatic practices, and be that constant while I was finding my way out of the dark places. It has been the truest unconditional love I’ve known my whole life. And with her example, I was able to give it to myself and others.
Be gentle with yourself. Know that you deserve to have a safe place in your body and mind and that anytime you can choose to explore these parts of yourself.
Love, Jess